2009 Reflections

It’s the 17th of December 2009

This time last year I thought 2009 would be my year to get married to my partner of almost 5 years, buy a house and live happily ever after..

Instead I sit here a single mother, still renting and contemplating the massive changes that occurred for me in 2009.

The first half of 2009 saw my relationship crumble – rather suddenly, which triggered off overwhelming feelings of anxiety, depression, anger and rage. Unresolved childhood traumas also surfaced for attention & healing.

Me a usually peaceful & positive person was now wrestling with the darkness of my soul, thinking thoughts I never thought I would…. wondering why why why!!

It made me realize how much anxiety is not logical, its easy to say just stop thinking that – and even when you know your anxieties are not real – they are still so powerful – I  remember many times feeling like one of the people from Supernatural possessed with demons and all the blackness flowing out from within me.

During those dark times I tried to keep focus on there being a light at the end of the tunnel and that this challenging time was about the growth of me on a soul level and personal level.

I had to face my fears of being alone and of taking responsibility for my life – the ultimate realization that I and I alone am the one solely  responsible for my life.

From the darkness light did come; I learned about boundaries, setting boundaries, unhealthy relationships, relationship addictions, codependency & narcissism.                                                I put many of the tools I have learned over the years as a healer to use – I used essential oils, reiki & journelling daily, I recorded myself affirming positive beliefs and affirmation and played it all night to help me sleep and to reprogram my thinking, I had regular counseling session with a counselor and psychologist along with regular healings with one of my friends.

I can honestly say I have grown so much from the past year, the last 5 months have been much more stable, my anxiety is not triggered as often and certainly not to the degree it was earlier in the year. I am more confident within my self, I am very happy with my present life  -  I still have room to grow and I am a long way from perfection.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   This time last year I would of been waiting until I was perfect before writing a blog, but hey we all live in this place called Earth and if I wait until I am perfect I will be waiting a long time.

I also know I am not alone in my journey I know many people who also experienced significant changes in their lives, If you have any personal experiences you would like to share, please do!